A sermon I heard years ago stayed with me and inspired one of my three tenets for Stage 4 Living:
Lighten Your Load.
The minister shared a personal story about a walk he took someplace in nature, that detail is forgotten. He was with his young granddaughter, and as children like to do, she would stop to pick up rocks or shells that caught her attention along the way. The little girl stuffed the little treasures in her pockets and hands for safekeeping.
At some point she asked her grandfather to pick her up and carry her. It was then that he realized just how much she had gathered, as those little artifacts from their walk together were spilling out of her pockets and clenched in her fists. He told her she had to put some of the rocks back down on the path before he would pick her up. She had to let go of some of them.
That experience inspired the minister’s sermon about letting go of the unnecessary burdens and beliefs that weigh us down and hold us back.
The late Stephen R. Covey, who combined personal and organizational development with his best-selling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, espoused a similar belief of letting go that also used rocks as a metaphor. His take was that we waste too much time on the little rocks, which gets in the way of fitting the big rocks into our day. It exemplifies his Habit 3: Put First Things First.
Cancer patients and caregivers by necessity learn to put first things first, because our very health and life are at stake. We get good at time management as we juggle medication schedules, doctor appointments, lab work, scans, chemo, radiation—Cancer can be a full-time job. Yet we also find time for work, family, community, and other activities or commitments that matter to us. Therefore it’s not only smart but necessary to lighten our loads and put first things first, because we must wrestle some of our time and energy away from our health priorities in order to have a reserve for our living priorities.
Let go of unnecessary burdens
Burdens are an inevitable part of life. Some are horrific enough to send people into a deep, cold pool of despair. Others are certainly unpleasant and unwelcome, but don’t seem worthy of the intensity of angst and fear they often create. What I’ve learned from my own burdens, including this metastatic breast cancer marathon I’ve been chosen to run, is that I have the power to make them lighter or heavier. That power comes from the knowledge that time is not an endless resource and fatigue is very real and often debilitating.
Two changes I have made involve the habitual negative thought patterns that used to cripple me and relationships that I realized were no longer worth my time and attention.
Negative thinking
I no longer fall down the dark tunnel of negative thoughts and feelings. Oh, I still have them, but whenever my thinking turns to denial, fear, grudges, grievances, insecurities, hopelessness, helplessness, whatever, I take a minute to sit with them. Or I talk to someone I trust. Sometimes I write them down so I can get them out of my head and start figuring out what I can and should do, including just letting them go. I feel that having cancer grants us full permission to let go and say no. It’s our “get out of jail free” card. Once I realized that my negative thoughts have only as much power as I give them, I started taking greater control over them.
Negative relationships
It might be as common as a friendship you have outgrown or as toxic as an abusive spouse; a negative relationship is one that is bad for your health or simply not worthy of your time and energy. I have let go with the notion of having a relationship with one of my siblings. For years I tried and for years I failed, resulting in anger and disappointment. I witnessed the hurt feelings she caused in my parents and other family members, over and over again. I finally ceased communication, except to respond to the text messages she would send on my birthday and Christmas. I responded with a thank you, same, to keep an olive branch of peace extended, hoping it would lead to more than a few words and emojis on a small screen.
Yet I learned from her teachings not to try talking or getting together. A phone call was always answered by the voicemail recording and not usually returned. Any agreement to a date and place to meet would be withdrawn, usually the night before, always for an excuse that was often a little white lie. I stopped responding to her text messages. She stopped sending them. At this point I have forgiven her transgressions because I know they are not out of malice but from a place of her own hurt and fear and resentment. I just no longer have the will, need, or desire to keep trying
Negative other
Take a minute to consider any part of your life that is draining you of time and energy. A job you despise. A hobby or cause that no longer feels important or relevant. Obligations made out of guilt or the disease to please or whatever it is that drives you to say yes instead of thank you, no. Of course you should be prudent and practical. The job that brings little to no joy may bring excellent medical insurance.
Otherwise, I say play the cancer card. Say no, make changes, and let cancer be your reason. It’s like the “Get out of jail free” card in Monopoly or the ace of trump in a card game; it cannot be beat. It’s one of the few benefits of this damn disease.
Make room for what matters by eliminating what doesn’t
The real burdens and problems we must bear are made worse by the mental, emotional, and physical obstacles we mostly place in our own way, including the tendency to turn little things into big things. Is it worth it to amplify them when we’re already dealing with a very big thing called cancer?
That’s not to say that all little things are bad. Sometimes they are worthy of treasuring, and I hope the minister let his granddaughter keep at least one of the rocks she selected as a memento of a special day.
Yet his message of letting go, which inspired my message of lightening the load, is valuable to all and a vital necessity to cancer patients. We must keep a reserve of time and energy for what truly matters.