I gave the eulogy at my mother’s funeral, and while I received many compliments after the service, I realize now that those compliments were more about my speaking skills and less about my mother’s life.
Don’t get me wrong, I did talk about her life of course, and if she was watching and listening from the great beyond, I believe she was happy and proud. But as I reflect back, I feel as though I missed the mark. Now, if I were to write and deliver her eulogy or anyone else’s, I would be more authentic and much less driven by my ego’s need for validation, and personal glory. And if possible, I would write it in advance for them to read it, or for me to read it for them.
The concept of a living eulogy
We only think of a eulogy as words to honor and remember the deceased, but I wonder how many of those dearly departed people knew how much they were appreciated and loved before their departure? How much of an impact they had on their loved ones and their community? We tell people we love them and appreciate them, but rarely do we tell them why or how much they matter to us. Instead we offer compliments or “love you’s” that are shallow and fleeting. And for people who are, shall we say, difficult to love? They probably hear nothing at all, when some kind words, some show of acknowledgement would mean so much.
That’s why I love the concept of a living eulogy. It’s a concept I learned of through a TEDx talk delivered by Andrea Driessen, a professional event designer and speaker. She refers to the concept of a living eulogy (spoken) as well as a written version she calls a “Gracenote.”
The profound power of gratitude and “living eulogies”
TEDx talk created and delivered by Andrea Driessen in Seattle, Washington.
The gist of her talk is, why wait? Why not express gratitude now to the person who has made a difference in your life. Beyond that, she discusses the power of forgiveness of self and others. Whatever grievance or wrongdoing we hold onto, top of mind or hidden yet ready to tap into when we need a reason to blame or complain, they are unneccessary burdens that saddle us with anger and remorse. Any devout or lapsed Christian of any type knows that releasing those transgressions is so important, it’s part of The Lord’s Prayer:
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Back to the concept of a Gracenote or living eulogy—the entire talk is just under 13 minutes and well-worth watching, but if you want only the gist of her valuable message, click on this link to her talk on the TED website and watch the segment from 4:22 to 7:06.
It is an honor and privilege to write and deliver a eulogy at a funeral service, one that not many will be asked or volunteer to do. Yet all of us can and should write a Gracenote or speak a living eulogy to the people who matter, who have left a positive impression on us, while they are still alive.
Make sure they know that their life did, and does, have purpose and meaning.